Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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