Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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