when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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