Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
