I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
