I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder meâ€
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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