I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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