i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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