Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
