Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
