so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
