So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
