I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
