great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
