i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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