The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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