so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
