He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
