yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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