Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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