It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
