There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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