Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
