Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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