i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
