As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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