How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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