it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
whose parrot is this?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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