My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
