I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
