Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
