Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
