So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
