Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
