Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
