I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
