one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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