oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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