im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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