My nipple is on Facebook.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Randomize
