I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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