It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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