I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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