i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
