she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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