I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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