I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
