I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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