I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
