3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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