omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Send help, water and tortillas.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
