1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
