Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
