I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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