very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
