i barfeds in our rink
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
