I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
