I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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