I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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