nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
