How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
