I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
