I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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