i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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