if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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