When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
