so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i think my tv is drunk
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
