my phone needs a breathalizer
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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