Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I met the friendliest cop last night
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
