sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
