Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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