gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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