When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize