so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize