her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
