Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
